Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am

The bipolar normal

2007-07-08T22:05:00.000-06:00

I had a conversation today with a lady who's been diagnosed with bipolar for 20 years. She didn't say a lot in the conversation, but with her few comments I managed to make some sense of something that has been bothering me. You see, I tend to overanalyze things when it comes to the big question of whether I'm bipolar or not and I came to the conclusion today that I need to stop analyzing all the little things. I need to relax and see if any of the big things happen and quit spending so much time putting all the little stuff under a microscope. I also realized that there are things about me that simply are NOT normal. Things that are apparently more normal for bipolar individuals, but the regular people in life don't seem to experience these phenomena. I want to make a list (yes, I'm a listmaker if you haven't noticed already). Lists show me things in a clear and concise way that I find to be rather indisputable. Anyway, my list is of things that aren't so called normal. Things that happen to me that fit into the bipolar mold.
1. The depression blanket - that's exactly what it feels like. It's like all of a sudden I get this overwhelming feeling of depression for no reason I can find.
2. .......

I'll think of more later. I know there are more. They'll come to me.

Not proven yet

2007-05-31T21:33:00.001-06:00

I've been okay for a while now, no really up or down moods that is. Things are different this time around though. The other times when I fell into some really deep moods I was either living alone or with someone in my family. Now I have a roomate, and this is different for me. I know that I don't really want to affect other people with my moods so maybe that is part of the reason why I'm okay now. Maybe it's giving me a reason to try harder because I don't want to be the depressing roomate moping around the house. Or maybe, I'm just okay and there's nothing wrong with me. I like the thought of that. Doc bowtie doesn't seem to think I'm okay. He's been *encouraging* me to take meds again. He seems to think that I've proven beyond a reasonable doubt that I'm bipolar, but I don't think he's necessarily right. I know that recently I had some really down days but they didn't last long. I got over that pretty quick I think, and if I were bipolar would I have been able to come out of it so quickly? Yes, I was pretty depressed for that little while, even thoughts of death started crossing my mind, but it didn't go very far. It was over as fast as it started. I don't think that short period of time can count as an episode. I'm just not convinced yet.

Life is good again

2007-05-26T23:52:00.000-06:00

Today was good. I slept super late but once I was up I was reasonably productive and actually left my house. Tomorrow I need to do so much stuff. I've been putting things off forever and tomorrow that's all going to catch up with me. That's okay though. I don't mind tomorrow being really busy as long as I have the energy for it. That's the thing. I just never know what I'm going to feel like when I wake up in the morning. If tomorrow is good like today then that will be just perfect.

I was doing some thinking today. As if that's anything new for me - I'm in my head way too much. But anyway, I was thinking about things that happen, like indicators of my mood being too high or low. I want to be totally honest about this stuff with myself. I started this experiment of no meds with the intention of really figuring out if I'm bipolar and the only way that is going to happen is if I'm totally honest with myself. So lemme see......

The Down Stuff:
- Sleep a lot
- No energy to do anything
- Don't bother eating much
- Quit answering the phone
- Cry (or feel like crying a lot)
- Feel completely hopeless - like I'm a failure
- Listen to depressing music
- No creativity whatsoever
- Irritable (I don't know if this is actually a down or an up thing)
- Psychomotor retardation - that'd be the proper name for my body completely slowing down. I once had a therapist who wondered if I was ever going to blink again when I was really depressed.
- Suicidal ideations - sometimes with a plan
- Don't want to be around people
- Call in sick to work
- Can't concentrate or focus - like if I'm trying to read something I could read the same page five times and not know what I read.
- Can't do my job - interpreting for deaf students is nearly impossible because I can't hold the verbal information long enough to get it out in sign language.
- Write in my journal more
- My house becomes an absolute disaster because I have no energy to clean anything
- Self medicate (not so much anymore)
- Drink alcohol

Okay, that's about all I can think of for now. And the other side of things......

The Up Stuff:
- Psychomotor agitation - really fidgety, can't sit still, if I'm sitting and doing something I'll keep getting up to do something else then come back.
- Easily distracted by irrelevent stimuli - I was once having a conversation with someone at work and kept getting distracted by absolutely everything in the environment behind her. I kept trying to refocus but it was futile.
- SOMETIMES I don't need as much sleep - More often it's just harder to fall asleep because my mind is too busy to let me fall asleep.
- Super giggly - everything is funny and I'm full of jokes and humor (or at least I find myself really amusing).
- Listen to really upbeat music
- Physically move faster - I was once walking with my friend who is way taller than me and walks pretty fast himself, and I pretty much kept leaving him 10 paces behind me before I realized how fast I was walking.
- Feel really confident - Now...... I don't think I get over confident. I think I just really believe that I can accomplish my goals like finishing university with good marks and things like that. I did once almost sign up for more university classes than I could have handled while working full time, but I stopped myself from doing that.
- I'm more creative but can't sit still long enough to finish anything - here's an example...... I like to scrapbook but when I feel good enough to be creative I tend to get more distracted by all the supplies I have and it takes forever for me to actually put a page together. I spend more time doing everything else but what's in front of me to do.
- Start a lot of activities but finish almost nothing
- More social - this means I just really like being around my friends and visiting with them. Not social like going out until all hours of the night or phoning people at inappropriate times. I just really like to talk (and talk and talk and talk) so I like being around people at these times.
- I don't always hear what people are saying when they're talking to me because I have my own little thought conversation going on in my head.
- I don't get cold - it could be really cold outside (like other people are shivering so I know it's cold) but I might be in only a t-shirt but not feeling the cold at all.
- Irritable (again, I don't know if this is an up or down thing, or maybe both) - I get road rage sometimes.
- Sometimes I drink when I'm in a super good mood
- I don't like taking meds when I'm in a good mood because I feel like it's going to bring me down
- I've been known to take extra antidepressants when I'm in a good mood, hoping to prolong it
- Pressured speech - this I've seen written in my charts from when I was hospitalized, but they're right. I know that sometimes I start talking as fast as my brain is thinking and people have a really hard time keeping up with me.
- Go off on unrelated tangents when I'm talking
- Can't focus because my mind is too busy - I once forgot how to drive a standard (while I was driving) because I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I literally had to coast in neutral for about 10-20 seconds to figure it out, and I drive a standard car every day.
- Sometimes I get an energy that doesn't "feel natural" - I can't really explain it but it just doesn't feel right, not natural. Sometimes this includes physically feeling my energy tingling under my skin (or at least I think I feel it).

Okay, I think that's about all of that for now. But, there are some things I DON'T do when I'm in a good mood that I think are kind of hallmarks of bipolar disorder. I don't spend a lot of money or go all sex crazy. I don't have delusions or get paranoid. I don't think that there are special plans for me or the world. I've never been spoken to by God or other figureheads of the world, nor do I believe anyone is watching me or making me do things. I know these more extreme things are Bipolar type 1 but I've just never been anywhere near those things that I can recall.

Yes, when I read what I wrote above I realize those things don't sound normal when all grouped together, but those things don't always all happen at once. Those things are just stuff I remember over the last 8-ish years happening at one time or another. Yes, several of those things do happen at once sometimes but it just never feels overly extreme to me, so this is why I wonder if I really have a mental illness that needs medications to deal with it.

I think that's enough for now.....

The big question: Am I Bipolar?

2007-05-26T15:19:00.001-06:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've written in this blog. I decided to start doing this again because I'm trying to figure out what's really wrong with me, if anything (ya, right). Bipolar Disorder type 2, or so he says, Doc bowtie that is (that's my psychiatrist). I don't know (or maybe I don't believe it) if I really am bipolar. I don't know if what's happened in my life qualifies for this disorder. So I've quit taking all meds in hopes of figuring this out. I was taking Lithium, Lamictal, and Seroquel...... but nothing now. Doc bowtie wants me back on meds but I'm not ready to do that yet. I tend to email him a lot, especially when my mood is "off", and my emails to him lately were cause for alarm to him I suppose. I'll admit they were a bit to the extreme side at times but I think there may be reasons for that other than me actually having this disorder.

I was once diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and even though I don't think the criteria for that fits me very well anymore, I think that might be what my problem is attached to moreso than bipolar. I know I used to be a real fan of the attention I got when I was "sick" and I think sometimes that I still crave that attention so I make my moods out to be more than they are. Maybe I like the attention from Doc bowtie when I feel depressed or so-called-manic and maybe that's why I make these moods into more than they are. Maybe they aren't real. Maybe I'm making them up. Maybe I hope I'm only making them up??

In a nutshell, I've been admitted to the psych ward many many times since 1999 (that was when I was first diagnosed with *something*). 2 of those times are really hard for me to rationalize away. This is because once was for 4 weeks and once for 6 weeks. With pdocs trying to discharge you from a hospital ASAP, how can I justify me not really needing to be there for that long? Ya, that's a toughie. I've taken meds on and off for the last 10+ years. I've taken almost every med approved for mental illness, some helped, some didn't. On the surface I look like I have the symptoms of bipolar disorder, but I need to do a little more deeper analysis of what really goes on in my mind when I'm out of sorts. I need to really figure this out.

So, that's why I'm blogging. I need to know. I figure that if I see the writing on the wall so to speak I may have an easier time accepting that I have a problem, and if it turns out that I really honestly don't see a problem then maybe I'll be able to let this whole thing go. I can only wish it would be that easy. I know this is a really murky subject for me....... I'm just hoping for some clarity. Any comments on my conundrum would be muchly appreciated. I know there are a lot of people out there who fight with problems of bipolar disorder and I think that anything anyone has to say about this can only help me figure this out a little better. So, here I am...... looking at my life, with probably too much rationalizing, but I'm shooting for honesty.

Introspection never lets you out

2004-10-17T22:26:00.000-06:00

I don't get what's going on with me. Everything is fine until I stop to think about how it's going. I saw doc bowtie on the 16th and that, of course, stirred things up again. It got me thinking and now that I'm thinking it's not a good thing.
Maybe I just think too much. Maybe that's the only problem with me. Maybe if I could shut off this introspection I'd be fine. I can't help but think that maybe I'm fine and I'm wasting everyone's time. That any problems I do have are just in my head as a result of over analyzing things. Maybe normal people just don't do that and that's why they're fine. So if I could just stop all this damn thinking I'd be okay. I wouldn't need meds and psychiatrists and therapists. I wouldn't need any of it. I could be just fine on my own if I just stopped indulging this introspective nature I seem to have.
I mean really, what is it that D can do for me that I can't do for myself? What good is it to have a psychiatrist if I don't really need meds? No one ever said life was perfect so why do I have such high expectations? Why do I seem to think that I have all these disorders when really I just need to grow up and keep my goals in sight. All people need goals. We all need to have a direction in life. Once we have that direction we just keep working towards it. That's all there is to it. I'm sure a lot of people in this world had fucked up childhoods, but that isn't any reason to let it control one's life. There's nothing really wrong with me. I think I just like the attention that I get from having problems. I don't think that the things going on in my mind qualify as Bipolar Disorder. I probably make myself manic on purpose for attention. It never lasts long anyway. I don't think any of it qualifies for a manic episode. Even that stuff that happened this summer was probably just me making it happen. That's probably something I would do on purpose. I think I've just been wasting everyone's time and energy.

Geez, is that ever rude of me.

Following rules sucks

2004-09-28T22:31:00.000-06:00

I don't know what happened. I was feeling fine, and then all of a sudden when I got home after class tonite I felt like crap. Like my mood just took a dive. I thought about writing to doc bowtie to tell him about the sudden shift but I don't want to jump to conclusions. He is always the first person I want to talk to when I feel bad. It was hard for me not to write to him tonite. Just to say something, anything.

I finally made the perfect CD

2004-08-28T22:13:00.000-06:00

I finally finished the CD I was making. I called it Silence and Solitude. That sorta how I was feeling when I went to label it. The songs on it are:
Silence - Sarah McLachlan and Delerium
Honestly OK - Dido
Time - Sarah McLachlan
Disagree - Chantal Kreviazuk
I'm Not Sorry - Morrissey
Push - Sarah McLachlan
Nobody's Perfect - Madonna
Still Listening - Sinead O'Connor
Deliver Me - Sarah Brightman
The Gospel According To Darkness - Jane Siberry
Policy of Truth - Depeche Mode
Solitude Standing - Suzanne Vega
Little Earthquakes - Tori Amos
Hangin' By A Thread - Jann Arden

I had 3 criteria when making this CD. The songs had to be sung by people with beautiful voices, they needed to have some uniqueness about them, and the lyrics were VERY important. And now I have my CD. I love it. I probably listen to it TOO much, but oh well.

All the songs carry sort of the same theme. It's all about this mess that's happened lately. All the trouble I caused, my pushing people, my lying by omission, needing people to be there for me even though I don't always do everything right, and some sort of angry stuff that can be heard in "Disagree" and "I'm not Sorry". I have so many mixed feelings going on these days. I know my honesty was lacking. I know that I screwed up royally. I know that I have to expect at least some of these repercussions. I do know that it mostly makes sense. But I'm still angry. I still feel like I'm losing all the security that took so long to build. I feel like it's starting over, only it's starting over on shaky ground and I don't know how to make it steady. And I hate this.

Maybe it will all go away

2004-08-26T01:55:00.000-06:00

I know I'm being an idiot, but it seems I don't know any other way to be. What am I supposed to do? I have to somehow figure this out on my own. The only way I know how to do that is to shut down. If I ignore it, it will go away. Eventually it will have to go away. I can crawl inside myself so deep that I don't have to see anything anymore. Maybe by the time D gets back I won't even need him anymore. It really might be better that way. This idea of getting help, having someone to talk to about the stuff in my head....I think it's just killing me slowly.

I found another song today. Ya, it's all about the lyrics. Some of this song is a little too *lovey* but for the most part I think it hits the nail on the head.

Push

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affection
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ‘cause you’re too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You won’t stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

Love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me
There are times I can’t decide when I can’t tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m okay
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

"Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go, You won’t stoop down to battle but you never turn to go" That's the best line.....

I found this song.......

2004-08-25T01:07:00.000-06:00

Time - Sarah Mclachlan

Time here
All but means nothing
Just shadows that move
Across the wall
They keep me company
But they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all

And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time

You send your thieves to me
Silently stalking me
Dragging me into your world
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist
Trying to reopen a sore

Chorus:
But leave me be
I don't want to argue
I just get confused
And I come all undone
And if I agree
Well it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember
What we're fighting for

You see love
The tight, thorny thread
That's just spin in a circle of gold
To have me, to hold me
A token for all to see
Captured to be yours alone

So I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time

Courage to pull away
There will be hell to pay
The deeper you cut to the bone

Chorus

Time here
All but means nothing
Just shadows that move
Across the wall
They keep me company
But they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all
So

Chorus

I can't stop listening to it. Is it any wonder? And she sings it in such a way that she grabs the mood perfectly. Pleading, yet so tired.

A time to live.......a time to die.

2004-08-24T00:09:00.000-06:00

Up too late, thinking too much, doing stupid things, what else is new? Work is starting soon, University is starting soon, D will be back soon, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to deal with any of it. Elementary school......that should make for plenty of irritation on my bad days. University, what if I can't do it? What if I can't concentrate and can't remember anything? What if I fail?

And D will be back in a couple weeks. I have no idea anymore what to tell him. I thought I knew, but now I don't. Right now I really don't want any part of the mental health system. I just want to cry myself to sleep and never wake up. How does he think it's okay to take away all my "exit doors" as he calls them. FFS, I need something to help me sort out everything in my head. My thoughts don't stop just because he doesn't want them spilling out.

And Doc bowtie......fucking hell.......I just shake my head. I don't get him sometimes. Well that will teach me. I get burned every time I trust someone. Every fucking time that I let myself get comfortable it goes to hell. I swear I would be better off without the entire stupid mental health system. Psychiatrists, therapists, meds......maybe it does all just mess one up more. At least if I depended only on myself I'd only have myself to blame and there'd be no surprises.

I hate this life. It's like a fucked up merry go round. I am really failing to see the point to being alive. If I was dead this would all be done, over, finished. No more stress. No more tears. No more anger. No more frustration. No more confusion. No more disappointments. No more pain. No more fear. Nothing......just nothing. Oh let me have sweet nothingness. Give me the strength to die. Lay down and die. Finished. Soon......soon I'll have the strength. Soon I'll break, snap, give up. Soon I'll be able to do it. Take my suicide package off the shelf, open it, and bring it with me to somewhere very dark and secluded. Quiet. Peace and quiet forever. I hate noise. I just want forever quiet. There really is no reason for me to stay here. There is nothing here for me. I do not need to exist, or become something special, or strive to be anything or anyone. I just want to die.

Trying to deal with all this crap is hell. I don't do a very good job of it. Clonazepam has once again become my best friend. I see a sharp object and it makes me want to cut. And so I do. I have no desire to fight against any of my thoughts. Just give in. Let them win. So much easier that way. So what if my body is starting to look like it lost a fight with an alley cat. I just don't fucking care anymore. Physical pain is better than emotional pain. I decide when the physical pain starts and stops. I control it.

And when I decide it's time to die, I will.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....

2004-08-23T13:34:00.000-06:00

Matchbox 20 sings that song. I remember April 2003 not long after I'd bought that CD. I remember how depressed I was and I remember listening to this CD a lot. I remember taking clonazepam a lot. I remember how hard it was to get through the days.

Some of the lyrics from Hand Me Down (Matchbox 20).......ya I like lyrics.........

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did you think they'd lie when they're holding you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

One more hand me down........ya, it feels that way sometimes. Like I'm just this problem that no one wants and they try to pass me off to someone else. Maybe I am better off to go it alone. I seem to just be making everyone's life difficult. I screwed up with D. I'm sure he wants me to go away. He won't admit it but I think he'd be happy if I went away. Doc bowtie has all but quit talking to me. Personally I think it's some tactic for getting me to quit emailing him. Well, he doesn't have to keep trying, I'll just take the hint.

So I found my bottle of clonazepam again today. I have a feeling we're gonna be good friends again for a while. I counted them, and in the 7 months I've had this bottle I've used 35......average of 5/month. Not so bad. I know it's better to not use them but sometimes it's a choice between that and something worse. If it gets like it was in 1999 then I'll start to get concerned. So far, I think it's in moderation.

Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

I think they wish they could erase me. They already tried to change me. I'm not worth their energy. They'll be happier when they see that and send me on my way. I'm sure I could succefully kill myself with the misery and negative shit I carry around with me. My emotional baggage runneth over. It's spilling out everywhere and I'm tired of picking it up. I'd like to take it all to the nearest bridge, throw it all over, and jump in with it. And that could be the end of the story.

Still Clueless

2004-08-18T23:37:00.000-06:00

It doesn't make sense.

5 years ago when I found out about this disorder I had no help. A psychiatrist half the time and not a decent therapist anywhere. They drop BPD (borderline personality disorder) on my lap and then nothing. No help. So I read and I researched, and I understood. I finally knew what was going on with me. I started to fix things the only way I could.

I just picked up all the feelings and put them to the side. No room for them for a while. I had to get through things with my intellect. That was the only way I was going to make it. Sure those stupid feelings found their way into my life sometimes but I pushed them out as well as I could. I wouldn't be here 5 years later if it had been all about the feelings. They would have killed me by now.

So, here we are. Good psychiatrist, good therapist, bad Rhonda. I finally got what I thought I wanted and needed all these years. I couldn't ask for more. Then why the hell do I need to destroy everything? Good doctor......doc bowtie puts up with so much from me. I really don't deserve his patience and tolerance. I'm surprised he hasn't told me to hit the bricks yet. Good therapist......I have no idea what to make of D these days. Yes, I know he's a good therapist but lately things have just been so turbulent that it makes me wonder. Bad Rhonda........always seems to come down to that for me.

I think a bit of thinking about the therapist is probably in order. For almost a year my trust got to be more and more for D, and then it all blew up in my face. I don't even understand what happened at this point. Was I testing him? Was it self sabotage? Was it just bad Rhonda? Somewhere amidst the yelling, I saw that look of disappointment that I've seen before. That look that can make me crawl into a hole every time I see it. Dad has that look, and D had it when he said he didn't understand why I was trying to destroy our therapeutic relationship. And every time since then when he referred to our relationship being damaged it made me shrink into my chair. I wish I could turn back the clock and make this not happen. I know there's no take backs......but I wish, just this once...... Bad Rhonda fucks everything up. I don't know why I'm so surprised.

So 5 years ago I didn't have a clue. I only knew the name of the disorder. Now, 5 years later, I feel like I'm recovering from an emotional whirlwind. What I thought I knew doesn't seem to be there. It seems I'm just as clueless now as I was then. Only difference is that I read a lot of books in between.

Deviate Psychopath??

2004-08-18T12:43:00.000-06:00

I am a cold, cruel, calculating, manipulative, borderline bitch from hell.

Those words are at the end of one of my posts on my old blog. I wrote those words in May. A long time before I did the psych testing and "deviate psychopath" was one of my elevated scores. I remember asking D what it meant.......cold, cruel, calculating. Strange how we *know* things before we know.

I know I calculate a lot of my actions. And I can feel it, when the cold, cruel exterior takes over. It's like a suit of armor falls over me and I no longer feel anything. Manipulative, borderline bitch.....well now that's awfully redundant I think. I think those 3 descriptors travel together. Is it even possible to be one of those 3 without being the others? I doubt it.

Antisocial......Borderline......Paranoid.......Schizoid........Drug Dependence.......Manic: Bipolar.......Depressed.......Deviate Psychopath

No wonder they're not supposed to show you the scores. Not great for the self esteem.

Gotta Start Somewhere

2004-08-18T01:05:00.000-06:00

Well, I suppose I should start with the lyrics for the song by Alanis that inspired the title for this blog. Alanis has the most amazing songs. I swear she was in my head when she wrote most of them. In my head.....scary thought. Precious Illusions. That in itself says so much. Visions, hopes, dreams, all to be held dearly but it's only an illusion, never to be had. Or at least that's how it feels a lot of the time.

Precious Illusions

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

'You'll rescue me right?' What a beautiful idea. To be rescued. From myself, from this life, from the hell in my mind. From all the neediness I can't seem to shrug off. I hate needing. I hate needing anything that has to come from outside of myself. If only I could create everything I need and not have to depend on others. It's hard work getting someone to rescue you.

'I'll be happy right?' So hopeful. As though it's a possibility. To ask that question can only be done with extreme trepidation. It's an answer that doesn't come from me, so I cannot be certain. Dependence, and neediness......yet again.

'I'll be worthy right?' I don't ask this question. I already know the answer.

'Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am' Will I ever know who I am? Or who I'm not for that matter? Maybe I do have an identity disturbance lingering about somewhere......cuz this line really hits home for me.

'these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends'

This is the epitomy of BPD (borderline personality disorder). Those 2 lines say more than meets the eye. The precious illusions are everything a borderline yearns for, everything she needs to stay alive. And we do anything we have to to fulfill our illusions. At our most vulnerable, when we're most defenseless....that is when we are giving all we have to manipulate the people around us to fill the void inside us. But it's all we know. And to part with our manipulative tactics, our defenses, our neediness, our convincing ways, our shock value actions, and all the things we do that say "please notice me, please love me, please tell me it's going to be okay" is like parting with everything we are. Our best friend, worst enemy, the voices inside us that tell us what we don't want to hear, and the things we do to quiet the voices. We live with these parts of ourselves every day.....and as much as I hate it, don't ask me to give it away. To give it away leaves me empty and I don't know how to fill that space.

'This pill will help me yet....' Two sides to this coin. There are the pills that are supposed to keep me sane of course......and the pills that I shouldn't have. The pills I shouldn't have are the ones I covet. My stash. My 'drug of choice'. Ya, that used to be pot. Not anymore. Now I'm older and more *respectable* (how ironic is that??) so prescription pills are somehow more acceptable. The pills I'm supposed to take sometimes repulse me and make me feel trapped rather than help me. And that's when I'm supposed to remind myself not to stop taking them. I can direct a lot of anger at a bottle of pills.....but we'll leave the anger discussion for another day. But those lovely benzos. Can't say I ever get angry at them. In fact there are times when I'm so grateful I have them. They can't make all the hurt and bad thoughts go away, but they can make things fuzzy enough so it doesn't hold me captive.

'I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode'

Need I say more about this one? To look inside me has no good results. I look outside me for so much. Survival mode......oh God yes. Just get from one day to the next. "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming" (as Dory says) Well somedays I'd rather let myself drown. Survival mode really sucks.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really leave BPD behind me. Will it always tug at me and try to send me back into its depths? Will I ever love someone without the fear that they'll leave me? Will I ever stop wanting to hurt myself to find some feeling and self medicating to drown the feelings? Will it ever come naturally to use all these lovely skills or will it forever be an exercise in self control? Will I ever speak freely and not be worried about what I might say? I don't know. I guess I won't find out til I get there, if I get there.