Gotta Start Somewhere

Well, I suppose I should start with the lyrics for the song by Alanis that inspired the title for this blog. Alanis has the most amazing songs. I swear she was in my head when she wrote most of them. In my head.....scary thought. Precious Illusions. That in itself says so much. Visions, hopes, dreams, all to be held dearly but it's only an illusion, never to be had. Or at least that's how it feels a lot of the time.

Precious Illusions

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode


'You'll rescue me right?' What a beautiful idea. To be rescued. From myself, from this life, from the hell in my mind. From all the neediness I can't seem to shrug off. I hate needing. I hate needing anything that has to come from outside of myself. If only I could create everything I need and not have to depend on others. It's hard work getting someone to rescue you.

'I'll be happy right?' So hopeful. As though it's a possibility. To ask that question can only be done with extreme trepidation. It's an answer that doesn't come from me, so I cannot be certain. Dependence, and neediness......yet again.

'I'll be worthy right?' I don't ask this question. I already know the answer.

'Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am' Will I ever know who I am? Or who I'm not for that matter? Maybe I do have an identity disturbance lingering about somewhere......cuz this line really hits home for me.

'these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends'

This is the epitomy of BPD (borderline personality disorder). Those 2 lines say more than meets the eye. The precious illusions are everything a borderline yearns for, everything she needs to stay alive. And we do anything we have to to fulfill our illusions. At our most vulnerable, when we're most defenseless....that is when we are giving all we have to manipulate the people around us to fill the void inside us. But it's all we know. And to part with our manipulative tactics, our defenses, our neediness, our convincing ways, our shock value actions, and all the things we do that say "please notice me, please love me, please tell me it's going to be okay" is like parting with everything we are. Our best friend, worst enemy, the voices inside us that tell us what we don't want to hear, and the things we do to quiet the voices. We live with these parts of ourselves every day.....and as much as I hate it, don't ask me to give it away. To give it away leaves me empty and I don't know how to fill that space.

'This pill will help me yet....' Two sides to this coin. There are the pills that are supposed to keep me sane of course......and the pills that I shouldn't have. The pills I shouldn't have are the ones I covet. My stash. My 'drug of choice'. Ya, that used to be pot. Not anymore. Now I'm older and more *respectable* (how ironic is that??) so prescription pills are somehow more acceptable. The pills I'm supposed to take sometimes repulse me and make me feel trapped rather than help me. And that's when I'm supposed to remind myself not to stop taking them. I can direct a lot of anger at a bottle of pills.....but we'll leave the anger discussion for another day. But those lovely benzos. Can't say I ever get angry at them. In fact there are times when I'm so grateful I have them. They can't make all the hurt and bad thoughts go away, but they can make things fuzzy enough so it doesn't hold me captive.

'I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode'

Need I say more about this one? To look inside me has no good results. I look outside me for so much. Survival mode......oh God yes. Just get from one day to the next. "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming" (as Dory says) Well somedays I'd rather let myself drown. Survival mode really sucks.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really leave BPD behind me. Will it always tug at me and try to send me back into its depths? Will I ever love someone without the fear that they'll leave me? Will I ever stop wanting to hurt myself to find some feeling and self medicating to drown the feelings? Will it ever come naturally to use all these lovely skills or will it forever be an exercise in self control? Will I ever speak freely and not be worried about what I might say? I don't know. I guess I won't find out til I get there, if I get there.