Still Clueless
It doesn't make sense.
5 years ago when I found out about this disorder I had no help. A psychiatrist half the time and not a decent therapist anywhere. They drop BPD (borderline personality disorder) on my lap and then nothing. No help. So I read and I researched, and I understood. I finally knew what was going on with me. I started to fix things the only way I could.
I just picked up all the feelings and put them to the side. No room for them for a while. I had to get through things with my intellect. That was the only way I was going to make it. Sure those stupid feelings found their way into my life sometimes but I pushed them out as well as I could. I wouldn't be here 5 years later if it had been all about the feelings. They would have killed me by now.
So, here we are. Good psychiatrist, good therapist, bad Rhonda. I finally got what I thought I wanted and needed all these years. I couldn't ask for more. Then why the hell do I need to destroy everything? Good doctor......doc bowtie puts up with so much from me. I really don't deserve his patience and tolerance. I'm surprised he hasn't told me to hit the bricks yet. Good therapist......I have no idea what to make of D these days. Yes, I know he's a good therapist but lately things have just been so turbulent that it makes me wonder. Bad Rhonda........always seems to come down to that for me.
I think a bit of thinking about the therapist is probably in order. For almost a year my trust got to be more and more for D, and then it all blew up in my face. I don't even understand what happened at this point. Was I testing him? Was it self sabotage? Was it just bad Rhonda? Somewhere amidst the yelling, I saw that look of disappointment that I've seen before. That look that can make me crawl into a hole every time I see it. Dad has that look, and D had it when he said he didn't understand why I was trying to destroy our therapeutic relationship. And every time since then when he referred to our relationship being damaged it made me shrink into my chair. I wish I could turn back the clock and make this not happen. I know there's no take backs......but I wish, just this once...... Bad Rhonda fucks everything up. I don't know why I'm so surprised.
So 5 years ago I didn't have a clue. I only knew the name of the disorder. Now, 5 years later, I feel like I'm recovering from an emotional whirlwind. What I thought I knew doesn't seem to be there. It seems I'm just as clueless now as I was then. Only difference is that I read a lot of books in between.
5 years ago when I found out about this disorder I had no help. A psychiatrist half the time and not a decent therapist anywhere. They drop BPD (borderline personality disorder) on my lap and then nothing. No help. So I read and I researched, and I understood. I finally knew what was going on with me. I started to fix things the only way I could.
I just picked up all the feelings and put them to the side. No room for them for a while. I had to get through things with my intellect. That was the only way I was going to make it. Sure those stupid feelings found their way into my life sometimes but I pushed them out as well as I could. I wouldn't be here 5 years later if it had been all about the feelings. They would have killed me by now.
So, here we are. Good psychiatrist, good therapist, bad Rhonda. I finally got what I thought I wanted and needed all these years. I couldn't ask for more. Then why the hell do I need to destroy everything? Good doctor......doc bowtie puts up with so much from me. I really don't deserve his patience and tolerance. I'm surprised he hasn't told me to hit the bricks yet. Good therapist......I have no idea what to make of D these days. Yes, I know he's a good therapist but lately things have just been so turbulent that it makes me wonder. Bad Rhonda........always seems to come down to that for me.
I think a bit of thinking about the therapist is probably in order. For almost a year my trust got to be more and more for D, and then it all blew up in my face. I don't even understand what happened at this point. Was I testing him? Was it self sabotage? Was it just bad Rhonda? Somewhere amidst the yelling, I saw that look of disappointment that I've seen before. That look that can make me crawl into a hole every time I see it. Dad has that look, and D had it when he said he didn't understand why I was trying to destroy our therapeutic relationship. And every time since then when he referred to our relationship being damaged it made me shrink into my chair. I wish I could turn back the clock and make this not happen. I know there's no take backs......but I wish, just this once...... Bad Rhonda fucks everything up. I don't know why I'm so surprised.
So 5 years ago I didn't have a clue. I only knew the name of the disorder. Now, 5 years later, I feel like I'm recovering from an emotional whirlwind. What I thought I knew doesn't seem to be there. It seems I'm just as clueless now as I was then. Only difference is that I read a lot of books in between.
Labels: self sabotage
posted by Just Me at 11:37 PM
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