A time to live.......a time to die.

Up too late, thinking too much, doing stupid things, what else is new? Work is starting soon, University is starting soon, D will be back soon, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to deal with any of it. Elementary school......that should make for plenty of irritation on my bad days. University, what if I can't do it? What if I can't concentrate and can't remember anything? What if I fail?

And D will be back in a couple weeks. I have no idea anymore what to tell him. I thought I knew, but now I don't. Right now I really don't want any part of the mental health system. I just want to cry myself to sleep and never wake up. How does he think it's okay to take away all my "exit doors" as he calls them. FFS, I need something to help me sort out everything in my head. My thoughts don't stop just because he doesn't want them spilling out.

And Doc bowtie......fucking hell.......I just shake my head. I don't get him sometimes. Well that will teach me. I get burned every time I trust someone. Every fucking time that I let myself get comfortable it goes to hell. I swear I would be better off without the entire stupid mental health system. Psychiatrists, therapists, meds......maybe it does all just mess one up more. At least if I depended only on myself I'd only have myself to blame and there'd be no surprises.

I hate this life. It's like a fucked up merry go round. I am really failing to see the point to being alive. If I was dead this would all be done, over, finished. No more stress. No more tears. No more anger. No more frustration. No more confusion. No more disappointments. No more pain. No more fear. Nothing......just nothing. Oh let me have sweet nothingness. Give me the strength to die. Lay down and die. Finished. Soon......soon I'll have the strength. Soon I'll break, snap, give up. Soon I'll be able to do it. Take my suicide package off the shelf, open it, and bring it with me to somewhere very dark and secluded. Quiet. Peace and quiet forever. I hate noise. I just want forever quiet. There really is no reason for me to stay here. There is nothing here for me. I do not need to exist, or become something special, or strive to be anything or anyone. I just want to die.

Trying to deal with all this crap is hell. I don't do a very good job of it. Clonazepam has once again become my best friend. I see a sharp object and it makes me want to cut. And so I do. I have no desire to fight against any of my thoughts. Just give in. Let them win. So much easier that way. So what if my body is starting to look like it lost a fight with an alley cat. I just don't fucking care anymore. Physical pain is better than emotional pain. I decide when the physical pain starts and stops. I control it.

And when I decide it's time to die, I will.