A time to live.......a time to die.

Up too late, thinking too much, doing stupid things, what else is new? Work is starting soon, University is starting soon, D will be back soon, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to deal with any of it. Elementary school......that should make for plenty of irritation on my bad days. University, what if I can't do it? What if I can't concentrate and can't remember anything? What if I fail?

And D will be back in a couple weeks. I have no idea anymore what to tell him. I thought I knew, but now I don't. Right now I really don't want any part of the mental health system. I just want to cry myself to sleep and never wake up. How does he think it's okay to take away all my "exit doors" as he calls them. FFS, I need something to help me sort out everything in my head. My thoughts don't stop just because he doesn't want them spilling out.

And Doc bowtie......fucking hell.......I just shake my head. I don't get him sometimes. Well that will teach me. I get burned every time I trust someone. Every fucking time that I let myself get comfortable it goes to hell. I swear I would be better off without the entire stupid mental health system. Psychiatrists, therapists, meds......maybe it does all just mess one up more. At least if I depended only on myself I'd only have myself to blame and there'd be no surprises.

I hate this life. It's like a fucked up merry go round. I am really failing to see the point to being alive. If I was dead this would all be done, over, finished. No more stress. No more tears. No more anger. No more frustration. No more confusion. No more disappointments. No more pain. No more fear. Nothing......just nothing. Oh let me have sweet nothingness. Give me the strength to die. Lay down and die. Finished. Soon......soon I'll have the strength. Soon I'll break, snap, give up. Soon I'll be able to do it. Take my suicide package off the shelf, open it, and bring it with me to somewhere very dark and secluded. Quiet. Peace and quiet forever. I hate noise. I just want forever quiet. There really is no reason for me to stay here. There is nothing here for me. I do not need to exist, or become something special, or strive to be anything or anyone. I just want to die.

Trying to deal with all this crap is hell. I don't do a very good job of it. Clonazepam has once again become my best friend. I see a sharp object and it makes me want to cut. And so I do. I have no desire to fight against any of my thoughts. Just give in. Let them win. So much easier that way. So what if my body is starting to look like it lost a fight with an alley cat. I just don't fucking care anymore. Physical pain is better than emotional pain. I decide when the physical pain starts and stops. I control it.

And when I decide it's time to die, I will.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....

Matchbox 20 sings that song. I remember April 2003 not long after I'd bought that CD. I remember how depressed I was and I remember listening to this CD a lot. I remember taking clonazepam a lot. I remember how hard it was to get through the days.

Some of the lyrics from Hand Me Down (Matchbox 20).......ya I like lyrics.........

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did you think they'd lie when they're holding you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

One more hand me down........ya, it feels that way sometimes. Like I'm just this problem that no one wants and they try to pass me off to someone else. Maybe I am better off to go it alone. I seem to just be making everyone's life difficult. I screwed up with D. I'm sure he wants me to go away. He won't admit it but I think he'd be happy if I went away. Doc bowtie has all but quit talking to me. Personally I think it's some tactic for getting me to quit emailing him. Well, he doesn't have to keep trying, I'll just take the hint.

So I found my bottle of clonazepam again today. I have a feeling we're gonna be good friends again for a while. I counted them, and in the 7 months I've had this bottle I've used 35......average of 5/month. Not so bad. I know it's better to not use them but sometimes it's a choice between that and something worse. If it gets like it was in 1999 then I'll start to get concerned. So far, I think it's in moderation.

Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

I think they wish they could erase me. They already tried to change me. I'm not worth their energy. They'll be happier when they see that and send me on my way. I'm sure I could succefully kill myself with the misery and negative shit I carry around with me. My emotional baggage runneth over. It's spilling out everywhere and I'm tired of picking it up. I'd like to take it all to the nearest bridge, throw it all over, and jump in with it. And that could be the end of the story.