Not proven yet

I've been okay for a while now, no really up or down moods that is. Things are different this time around though. The other times when I fell into some really deep moods I was either living alone or with someone in my family. Now I have a roomate, and this is different for me. I know that I don't really want to affect other people with my moods so maybe that is part of the reason why I'm okay now. Maybe it's giving me a reason to try harder because I don't want to be the depressing roomate moping around the house. Or maybe, I'm just okay and there's nothing wrong with me. I like the thought of that. Doc bowtie doesn't seem to think I'm okay. He's been *encouraging* me to take meds again. He seems to think that I've proven beyond a reasonable doubt that I'm bipolar, but I don't think he's necessarily right. I know that recently I had some really down days but they didn't last long. I got over that pretty quick I think, and if I were bipolar would I have been able to come out of it so quickly? Yes, I was pretty depressed for that little while, even thoughts of death started crossing my mind, but it didn't go very far. It was over as fast as it started. I don't think that short period of time can count as an episode. I'm just not convinced yet.

The big question: Am I Bipolar?

Wow, it's been a while since I've written in this blog. I decided to start doing this again because I'm trying to figure out what's really wrong with me, if anything (ya, right). Bipolar Disorder type 2, or so he says, Doc bowtie that is (that's my psychiatrist). I don't know (or maybe I don't believe it) if I really am bipolar. I don't know if what's happened in my life qualifies for this disorder. So I've quit taking all meds in hopes of figuring this out. I was taking Lithium, Lamictal, and Seroquel...... but nothing now. Doc bowtie wants me back on meds but I'm not ready to do that yet. I tend to email him a lot, especially when my mood is "off", and my emails to him lately were cause for alarm to him I suppose. I'll admit they were a bit to the extreme side at times but I think there may be reasons for that other than me actually having this disorder.

I was once diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and even though I don't think the criteria for that fits me very well anymore, I think that might be what my problem is attached to moreso than bipolar. I know I used to be a real fan of the attention I got when I was "sick" and I think sometimes that I still crave that attention so I make my moods out to be more than they are. Maybe I like the attention from Doc bowtie when I feel depressed or so-called-manic and maybe that's why I make these moods into more than they are. Maybe they aren't real. Maybe I'm making them up. Maybe I hope I'm only making them up??

In a nutshell, I've been admitted to the psych ward many many times since 1999 (that was when I was first diagnosed with *something*). 2 of those times are really hard for me to rationalize away. This is because once was for 4 weeks and once for 6 weeks. With pdocs trying to discharge you from a hospital ASAP, how can I justify me not really needing to be there for that long? Ya, that's a toughie. I've taken meds on and off for the last 10+ years. I've taken almost every med approved for mental illness, some helped, some didn't. On the surface I look like I have the symptoms of bipolar disorder, but I need to do a little more deeper analysis of what really goes on in my mind when I'm out of sorts. I need to really figure this out.

So, that's why I'm blogging. I need to know. I figure that if I see the writing on the wall so to speak I may have an easier time accepting that I have a problem, and if it turns out that I really honestly don't see a problem then maybe I'll be able to let this whole thing go. I can only wish it would be that easy. I know this is a really murky subject for me....... I'm just hoping for some clarity. Any comments on my conundrum would be muchly appreciated. I know there are a lot of people out there who fight with problems of bipolar disorder and I think that anything anyone has to say about this can only help me figure this out a little better. So, here I am...... looking at my life, with probably too much rationalizing, but I'm shooting for honesty.