I finally made the perfect CD

I finally finished the CD I was making. I called it Silence and Solitude. That sorta how I was feeling when I went to label it. The songs on it are:
Silence - Sarah McLachlan and Delerium
Honestly OK - Dido
Time - Sarah McLachlan
Disagree - Chantal Kreviazuk
I'm Not Sorry - Morrissey
Push - Sarah McLachlan
Nobody's Perfect - Madonna
Still Listening - Sinead O'Connor
Deliver Me - Sarah Brightman
The Gospel According To Darkness - Jane Siberry
Policy of Truth - Depeche Mode
Solitude Standing - Suzanne Vega
Little Earthquakes - Tori Amos
Hangin' By A Thread - Jann Arden

I had 3 criteria when making this CD. The songs had to be sung by people with beautiful voices, they needed to have some uniqueness about them, and the lyrics were VERY important. And now I have my CD. I love it. I probably listen to it TOO much, but oh well.

All the songs carry sort of the same theme. It's all about this mess that's happened lately. All the trouble I caused, my pushing people, my lying by omission, needing people to be there for me even though I don't always do everything right, and some sort of angry stuff that can be heard in "Disagree" and "I'm not Sorry". I have so many mixed feelings going on these days. I know my honesty was lacking. I know that I screwed up royally. I know that I have to expect at least some of these repercussions. I do know that it mostly makes sense. But I'm still angry. I still feel like I'm losing all the security that took so long to build. I feel like it's starting over, only it's starting over on shaky ground and I don't know how to make it steady. And I hate this.

Maybe it will all go away

I know I'm being an idiot, but it seems I don't know any other way to be. What am I supposed to do? I have to somehow figure this out on my own. The only way I know how to do that is to shut down. If I ignore it, it will go away. Eventually it will have to go away. I can crawl inside myself so deep that I don't have to see anything anymore. Maybe by the time D gets back I won't even need him anymore. It really might be better that way. This idea of getting help, having someone to talk to about the stuff in my head....I think it's just killing me slowly.

I found another song today. Ya, it's all about the lyrics. Some of this song is a little too *lovey* but for the most part I think it hits the nail on the head.

Push

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affection
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ‘cause you’re too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You won’t stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

Love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me
There are times I can’t decide when I can’t tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m okay
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

"Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go, You won’t stoop down to battle but you never turn to go" That's the best line.....

I found this song.......

Time - Sarah Mclachlan

Time here
All but means nothing
Just shadows that move
Across the wall
They keep me company
But they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all

And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time

You send your thieves to me
Silently stalking me
Dragging me into your world
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist
Trying to reopen a sore

Chorus:
But leave me be
I don't want to argue
I just get confused
And I come all undone
And if I agree
Well it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember
What we're fighting for

You see love
The tight, thorny thread
That's just spin in a circle of gold
To have me, to hold me
A token for all to see
Captured to be yours alone

So I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time

Courage to pull away
There will be hell to pay
The deeper you cut to the bone

Chorus

Time here
All but means nothing
Just shadows that move
Across the wall
They keep me company
But they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all
So

Chorus

I can't stop listening to it. Is it any wonder? And she sings it in such a way that she grabs the mood perfectly. Pleading, yet so tired.

A time to live.......a time to die.

Up too late, thinking too much, doing stupid things, what else is new? Work is starting soon, University is starting soon, D will be back soon, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to deal with any of it. Elementary school......that should make for plenty of irritation on my bad days. University, what if I can't do it? What if I can't concentrate and can't remember anything? What if I fail?

And D will be back in a couple weeks. I have no idea anymore what to tell him. I thought I knew, but now I don't. Right now I really don't want any part of the mental health system. I just want to cry myself to sleep and never wake up. How does he think it's okay to take away all my "exit doors" as he calls them. FFS, I need something to help me sort out everything in my head. My thoughts don't stop just because he doesn't want them spilling out.

And Doc bowtie......fucking hell.......I just shake my head. I don't get him sometimes. Well that will teach me. I get burned every time I trust someone. Every fucking time that I let myself get comfortable it goes to hell. I swear I would be better off without the entire stupid mental health system. Psychiatrists, therapists, meds......maybe it does all just mess one up more. At least if I depended only on myself I'd only have myself to blame and there'd be no surprises.

I hate this life. It's like a fucked up merry go round. I am really failing to see the point to being alive. If I was dead this would all be done, over, finished. No more stress. No more tears. No more anger. No more frustration. No more confusion. No more disappointments. No more pain. No more fear. Nothing......just nothing. Oh let me have sweet nothingness. Give me the strength to die. Lay down and die. Finished. Soon......soon I'll have the strength. Soon I'll break, snap, give up. Soon I'll be able to do it. Take my suicide package off the shelf, open it, and bring it with me to somewhere very dark and secluded. Quiet. Peace and quiet forever. I hate noise. I just want forever quiet. There really is no reason for me to stay here. There is nothing here for me. I do not need to exist, or become something special, or strive to be anything or anyone. I just want to die.

Trying to deal with all this crap is hell. I don't do a very good job of it. Clonazepam has once again become my best friend. I see a sharp object and it makes me want to cut. And so I do. I have no desire to fight against any of my thoughts. Just give in. Let them win. So much easier that way. So what if my body is starting to look like it lost a fight with an alley cat. I just don't fucking care anymore. Physical pain is better than emotional pain. I decide when the physical pain starts and stops. I control it.

And when I decide it's time to die, I will.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....

Matchbox 20 sings that song. I remember April 2003 not long after I'd bought that CD. I remember how depressed I was and I remember listening to this CD a lot. I remember taking clonazepam a lot. I remember how hard it was to get through the days.

Some of the lyrics from Hand Me Down (Matchbox 20).......ya I like lyrics.........

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did you think they'd lie when they're holding you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

One more hand me down........ya, it feels that way sometimes. Like I'm just this problem that no one wants and they try to pass me off to someone else. Maybe I am better off to go it alone. I seem to just be making everyone's life difficult. I screwed up with D. I'm sure he wants me to go away. He won't admit it but I think he'd be happy if I went away. Doc bowtie has all but quit talking to me. Personally I think it's some tactic for getting me to quit emailing him. Well, he doesn't have to keep trying, I'll just take the hint.

So I found my bottle of clonazepam again today. I have a feeling we're gonna be good friends again for a while. I counted them, and in the 7 months I've had this bottle I've used 35......average of 5/month. Not so bad. I know it's better to not use them but sometimes it's a choice between that and something worse. If it gets like it was in 1999 then I'll start to get concerned. So far, I think it's in moderation.

Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

I think they wish they could erase me. They already tried to change me. I'm not worth their energy. They'll be happier when they see that and send me on my way. I'm sure I could succefully kill myself with the misery and negative shit I carry around with me. My emotional baggage runneth over. It's spilling out everywhere and I'm tired of picking it up. I'd like to take it all to the nearest bridge, throw it all over, and jump in with it. And that could be the end of the story.

Still Clueless

It doesn't make sense.

5 years ago when I found out about this disorder I had no help. A psychiatrist half the time and not a decent therapist anywhere. They drop BPD (borderline personality disorder) on my lap and then nothing. No help. So I read and I researched, and I understood. I finally knew what was going on with me. I started to fix things the only way I could.

I just picked up all the feelings and put them to the side. No room for them for a while. I had to get through things with my intellect. That was the only way I was going to make it. Sure those stupid feelings found their way into my life sometimes but I pushed them out as well as I could. I wouldn't be here 5 years later if it had been all about the feelings. They would have killed me by now.

So, here we are. Good psychiatrist, good therapist, bad Rhonda. I finally got what I thought I wanted and needed all these years. I couldn't ask for more. Then why the hell do I need to destroy everything? Good doctor......doc bowtie puts up with so much from me. I really don't deserve his patience and tolerance. I'm surprised he hasn't told me to hit the bricks yet. Good therapist......I have no idea what to make of D these days. Yes, I know he's a good therapist but lately things have just been so turbulent that it makes me wonder. Bad Rhonda........always seems to come down to that for me.

I think a bit of thinking about the therapist is probably in order. For almost a year my trust got to be more and more for D, and then it all blew up in my face. I don't even understand what happened at this point. Was I testing him? Was it self sabotage? Was it just bad Rhonda? Somewhere amidst the yelling, I saw that look of disappointment that I've seen before. That look that can make me crawl into a hole every time I see it. Dad has that look, and D had it when he said he didn't understand why I was trying to destroy our therapeutic relationship. And every time since then when he referred to our relationship being damaged it made me shrink into my chair. I wish I could turn back the clock and make this not happen. I know there's no take backs......but I wish, just this once...... Bad Rhonda fucks everything up. I don't know why I'm so surprised.

So 5 years ago I didn't have a clue. I only knew the name of the disorder. Now, 5 years later, I feel like I'm recovering from an emotional whirlwind. What I thought I knew doesn't seem to be there. It seems I'm just as clueless now as I was then. Only difference is that I read a lot of books in between.

Deviate Psychopath??

I am a cold, cruel, calculating, manipulative, borderline bitch from hell.

Those words are at the end of one of my posts on my old blog. I wrote those words in May. A long time before I did the psych testing and "deviate psychopath" was one of my elevated scores. I remember asking D what it meant.......cold, cruel, calculating. Strange how we *know* things before we know.

I know I calculate a lot of my actions. And I can feel it, when the cold, cruel exterior takes over. It's like a suit of armor falls over me and I no longer feel anything. Manipulative, borderline bitch.....well now that's awfully redundant I think. I think those 3 descriptors travel together. Is it even possible to be one of those 3 without being the others? I doubt it.

Antisocial......Borderline......Paranoid.......Schizoid........Drug Dependence.......Manic: Bipolar.......Depressed.......Deviate Psychopath

No wonder they're not supposed to show you the scores. Not great for the self esteem.

Gotta Start Somewhere

Well, I suppose I should start with the lyrics for the song by Alanis that inspired the title for this blog. Alanis has the most amazing songs. I swear she was in my head when she wrote most of them. In my head.....scary thought. Precious Illusions. That in itself says so much. Visions, hopes, dreams, all to be held dearly but it's only an illusion, never to be had. Or at least that's how it feels a lot of the time.

Precious Illusions

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode


'You'll rescue me right?' What a beautiful idea. To be rescued. From myself, from this life, from the hell in my mind. From all the neediness I can't seem to shrug off. I hate needing. I hate needing anything that has to come from outside of myself. If only I could create everything I need and not have to depend on others. It's hard work getting someone to rescue you.

'I'll be happy right?' So hopeful. As though it's a possibility. To ask that question can only be done with extreme trepidation. It's an answer that doesn't come from me, so I cannot be certain. Dependence, and neediness......yet again.

'I'll be worthy right?' I don't ask this question. I already know the answer.

'Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am' Will I ever know who I am? Or who I'm not for that matter? Maybe I do have an identity disturbance lingering about somewhere......cuz this line really hits home for me.

'these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends'

This is the epitomy of BPD (borderline personality disorder). Those 2 lines say more than meets the eye. The precious illusions are everything a borderline yearns for, everything she needs to stay alive. And we do anything we have to to fulfill our illusions. At our most vulnerable, when we're most defenseless....that is when we are giving all we have to manipulate the people around us to fill the void inside us. But it's all we know. And to part with our manipulative tactics, our defenses, our neediness, our convincing ways, our shock value actions, and all the things we do that say "please notice me, please love me, please tell me it's going to be okay" is like parting with everything we are. Our best friend, worst enemy, the voices inside us that tell us what we don't want to hear, and the things we do to quiet the voices. We live with these parts of ourselves every day.....and as much as I hate it, don't ask me to give it away. To give it away leaves me empty and I don't know how to fill that space.

'This pill will help me yet....' Two sides to this coin. There are the pills that are supposed to keep me sane of course......and the pills that I shouldn't have. The pills I shouldn't have are the ones I covet. My stash. My 'drug of choice'. Ya, that used to be pot. Not anymore. Now I'm older and more *respectable* (how ironic is that??) so prescription pills are somehow more acceptable. The pills I'm supposed to take sometimes repulse me and make me feel trapped rather than help me. And that's when I'm supposed to remind myself not to stop taking them. I can direct a lot of anger at a bottle of pills.....but we'll leave the anger discussion for another day. But those lovely benzos. Can't say I ever get angry at them. In fact there are times when I'm so grateful I have them. They can't make all the hurt and bad thoughts go away, but they can make things fuzzy enough so it doesn't hold me captive.

'I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode'

Need I say more about this one? To look inside me has no good results. I look outside me for so much. Survival mode......oh God yes. Just get from one day to the next. "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming" (as Dory says) Well somedays I'd rather let myself drown. Survival mode really sucks.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really leave BPD behind me. Will it always tug at me and try to send me back into its depths? Will I ever love someone without the fear that they'll leave me? Will I ever stop wanting to hurt myself to find some feeling and self medicating to drown the feelings? Will it ever come naturally to use all these lovely skills or will it forever be an exercise in self control? Will I ever speak freely and not be worried about what I might say? I don't know. I guess I won't find out til I get there, if I get there.